2 years ago
Greetings my dear friend:
I hope it will not be an embarrassmentness to you that I am writing even though we have never met. The Nigerian Ministry of Trade and Funny Hats referred me to you as a person of the highest integritableness, and I wish to secure your cooperation in a business venture.
I am a prominent Cardinal in the Roman Catholic Church. Recently, our chief executive, Pope John Paul II passed away after an illness. You can read about it here at
www.cnn.com/2005/world/europe/04/02/pope.dies. At the time, I was in charge of fundraising on the African continent, and I was in possession of a fund containing $19.1 USD intended for the purchase of Bingo cards.
Now that our Pontiff is gone, I am without supervision for the foreseeable future. And I am aware that as a black man, I have a better chance of becoming a Hooters Girl than of being elected Pope. It is my intention to remove these funds from Nigeria and use them for the construction of a bachelor pad in Bel Air, California, where I shall spend the remainder of my life hammering tall blond bimbos like a bloody steam drill. However, I require a foreigner to assist me.
In exchange for 20% of said monies, I will require you to come to Lagos posing as the owner of a company that prints Bingo cards. I shall tender a check to you, which you will run through your bank account in the United States. Then you will remit 80% to me, care of the Western Union Branch in West Hollywood.
Contact me immediately so that we can discuss the modalities of this transaction. If you do not assist me, by Jove, you shall jolly well go to Hell.
Cardinal Francis Arinze
Ask Me if I Care About 'Mishandling' of Koran
By Doug Patton
June 6, 2005
First, Newsweek pulled a Dan Rather on us, running a fabricated story just because they wanted it to be true. They told the world that an American guard at the Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, detention center had ripped pages from a prisoner's Koran and flushed it down a toilet. As a result, innocent people died when practitioners of Islam rioted in protest in Afghanistan.
Oops, said Newsweek, it seems we can't back up our story. Oh well, it's probably true; we just can't prove it. (Isn't it convenient for Newsweek that the media now have "Deep Throat" to talk about so they can revel in their glory days and divert our attention from their criminal negligence.)
The lie heard round the world about the flushed Koran has caused convulsions in the Bush Administration and forced the Pentagon to launch an investigation of unfounded allegations contained in an unsubstantiated story. The results of said investigation are now in, and it seems there are at least five incidents of "mishandling" of the Koran at Gitmo.
Well, guess what? I don't care!
Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning death that day, or didn't they?
And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well, I don't. I don't care at all.
I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.
I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia.
I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling, slashed throat.
I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques.
I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.
I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.
I'll care when Clinton-appointed judges stop ordering my government to release photos of the abuses at Abu Ghraib, which are sure to set off the Islamic extremists just as Newsweek's lies did a few weeks ago.
In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.
When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care.
When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I don't care.
When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care.
And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and -- you guessed it -- I don't care!
Doug Patton is a freelance columnist and political speechwriter who has worked for conservative candidates, elected officials and public policy organizations at the federal, state and local levels. His weekly column can be read in newspapers across the country and on selected Internet web sites. Readers can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Note -- The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions, views, and/or philosophy of GOPUSA.
With due respect and humility, I wish to write you about this business
proposal. I am a staff in one of the Bank here in Cote D'Ivoire. I am
writing following the impressive regards to you about this business
In my department, I discovered an abandoned sum of USD $25.4M (Twenty
Five Million Four Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) in an account
that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his
entire family in September 2004, in a plane crash. Since the notification
of his death, our Bank have been expecting his next of kin to come
forward and claim his fund because our Bank cannot release it unless
somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as
indicated in our banking guidelines and policies but unfortunately I learnt
that all his supposed next of kin or relation died along side with him at
the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claims.
It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided to make this
business proposal to you so that we can co-operate with one mind and get this
fund transferred to your bank account as the next of Kin/beneficiary of
the Deceased Account. Since I am still remain in service with this
Bank, and also since nobody is coming forth to claim the money and I don't
want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The
request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the
fact that the customer was a foreigner and an Ivorian cannot stand as
next of kin to a foreigner. I will agree that 25% of this money will be
for you as a foreign partner. In respect to the provision of a foreign
bank account where the money will be transfer to, 10% will be map out
for any expenses incurred during the course of the transaction and 65 %
would be for me.
There after I will visit your country for disbursement according to the
percentages indicated. Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of
this fund to you as I arranged, you must apply first to the bank as
relation or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your
bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easier and
effective communication and location where the money will be remitted.
Meanwhile, for the first step to proceed, I will advice you to forward
your full name, address, telephone and fax number so that I can make
the registration of your information in our banking system as the next of
Kin/beneficiary of the Deceased Account and I will also backdate it to
the date the account was opened with our Bank.
Upon receipt of your response and after the successful registry of your
information in our banking system I will send to you by fax or email
the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice
that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any
atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the
transfer. You should please contact me as soon as you receive this letter.
I look forward for your response.
Mr. Julius Akah.
Message from Miss Rhodia Punga
Please treat with respect,
My name is Miss RHODIA PUNGA. I am a girl of 21 years old and I am a
citizen of COTE D'IVOIRE (IVORY COAST IN WEST AFRICA), an orphan to the
late former (OBUETI) top cocoa dealer Mr. PAUL PUNGA who died in 2004
as a result of food poison suspected to be given to him by the plans of
his colleaques and uncles because of his fame and wealth, my mother
died when I was 6 years old.
I inherited a total sum of $4.6 million US dollars from my late
parents. This money which is concealed in a metallic trunk box is
deposited in a security and finance company in Ivory Coast under a
secret arrangement as a family treasure and African art works. This
means that the security company does not know the real content of this
box that was sent from the United State of America to Ivory Coast under
a diplomatic coverage.
My main purpose of sending you this mail is because of the way I found
you and perhaps trustworthy to give this priority of shipping this box
of money to any address that you think is very secure and safe in place
with your percentage of which we shall chat on soon. I will come over
to your country to continue my education as soon as the funds is
claimed by you.
There is need for urgent action because I am paying demurrage charges
to the Security Company for safe keeping this consignment. I give
thanks immensely for your co-operation as I look forward to hearing
from you soonest.
Please do contact me through this YAHOO EMAIL address: rdpunga30@yahoo.
co.jp And as soon as I hear from you, I will give you the details of
this transcation and how you will contact the Security Company for the
immediate claim of this trunk box on my behalf.