Tuesday, April 24, 2007

What would happen if Carrie Underwood really did

Carrie Underwood has this real catchy tune out called "before he cheats". I kinda like the song; the hook is strong and her performance on that track is very solid, and emotionally powerful. The thing is, and this is what drives the people that work with me a little nutty, is that I pay attention to lyrics. In "Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree", by KT Tunstall, I was the one who realized that the horse was the one who was doing the proposing, which freaked out my coworkers and caused them to dislike what we've come to call "the woo-hoo song". Besides how goofy the lyrics are, hearing it five times a day, 40 + hours a week is too much anyway.

So, when Officer Timmy came over to the shop today, I asked him what Carrie would be looking at for charges if she were to do what was claimed in the chorus. So you don't have to go look it up, being the kind and benevolent dictator of this blog that I am, I'm going to quote it for you:

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Turns out that in Kentucky, that's called Felony Criminal Mischief. OT said that's what's typically charged when stuff like vandalism of more than a thousand dollars is involved. What you're looking at is five years in Federal Pound You in the Ass Prison. Typically, what happens is the charge will get plead down, and would normally end up with a couple years probation, and she'd have to either pay the deductible and and difference in the coverage to get the truck repaired, or she'd have to go out of pocket for the whole thing. If she fought it and lost, she'd be looking at max penalties, because her response was so far out of proportion to what he did to her.

I'm not in any way advocating cheating on your significant other. Doing that makes you pretty much a dirtbag, and there's no two ways about it, whether you cheat on her, or she cheats on you. If you're gonna cheat on 'em, just man up and break up with the chick. Sure its difficult, but it beats having to deal with a bunny boiler. I know some dudes on the Intarweb-not to name Wild Mustang's name, though-that have been there. Its endlessly entertaining for us, but its unnecessarily...griefy for you, and her.

Still, we all know what really happened in the story that the song presents: she goes to jail overnight (at least; that's assuming somebody makes bail for her) he knows she's gone for at least the night, and he ends up doing the horizontal mambo with her best friend and her other best friend, while her other best friend mans the video camera. We all know Carrie's best friend in this scenario is a hose beast who couldn't be trusted to stay out of anybody's pants. I'm sure she's a bleached blonde, too. We know how they are.

Leave the truck alone and just leave. How hard is that?

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