A Way With Words

This is taking too long

Isn't it Friday yet? Dammit. This waiting to leave for SHOT is taking entirely too dang long.

Getting closer to getting the paper and celebrating it!!

I got an e-mail today that said my degree had been posted. I should have the actual paper shortly; hopefully within the week, but I don't know for sure. I'm fairly excited that I'm finally getting the tangible evidence of my $15,000, and I'll feel better about having it on my resume. lol! I think I have a shot at graduating Cum Laude, but I'm not sure what my final GPA is.

I leave on Friday night, heading to Vegas for SHOT show. I'm totally looking forward to getting out of Kentucky again. The Winters here are gray most of the time.

I'm gonna be celebrating my birthday with a small number of friends with the Super Bowl, then meeting up with my LF bretheren for a...sloppier get together. Pics will probably not be posted of that; I guess we'll see what happens. Its gonna be a fun, fun six days!

Nigerian 419 Scams: the one that got away!

I mentioned in the other 419 Scam Thread that there was one more that I had received and wanted to post, but that I couldn't find. Well, I found it, but in the printed page form, which means I have to transcribe it. It came originally in all caps, but I'm gonna type it out in more typical grammar, which makes it easier to read. I tell ya, the things I do for both readers of my blog...

Greetings my dear friend:
I hope it will not be an embarrassmentness to you that I am writing even though we have never met. The Nigerian Ministry of Trade and Funny Hats referred me to you as a person of the highest integritableness, and I wish to secure your cooperation in a business venture.

I am a prominent Cardinal in the Roman Catholic Church. Recently, our chief executive, Pope John Paul II passed away after an illness. You can read about it here at
www.cnn.com/2005/world/europe/04/02/pope.dies. At the time, I was in charge of fundraising on the African continent, and I was in possession of a fund containing $19.1 USD intended for the purchase of Bingo cards.

Now that our Pontiff is gone, I am without supervision for the foreseeable future. And I am aware that as a black man, I have a better chance of becoming a Hooters Girl than of being elected Pope. It is my intention to remove these funds from Nigeria and use them for the construction of a bachelor pad in Bel Air, California, where I shall spend the remainder of my life hammering tall blond bimbos like a bloody steam drill. However, I require a foreigner to assist me.

In exchange for 20% of said monies, I will require you to come to Lagos posing as the owner of a company that prints Bingo cards. I shall tender a check to you, which you will run through your bank account in the United States. Then you will remit 80% to me, care of the Western Union Branch in West Hollywood.

Contact me immediately so that we can discuss the modalities of this transaction. If you do not assist me, by Jove, you shall jolly well go to Hell.

God Bless

Cardinal Francis Arinze
Lagos, NIG.

If you happen to know who composed this originally please let me so that proper credit can be given. This has got to be one of the best parodies of 419 scam e-mails ever.

Ask Me if I Care About 'Mishandling' of Koran Op Ed by Doug Patton

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Nigerian 419 scam: interesting variations

I've been getting 419 scam e-mails for about five years now, but every once in a while, there's an interesting variation on the theme that makes them worth saving. Since I hang onto them, I figured I'd go ahead and share them in case you don't get the same ones.

This first one's different because of the source of the funds: the family that owns the money, in its entirety, is killed in a plane crash. Naturally, because I'm so well known for my integrity, I'm to assist in the stealing of their money. Interestingly, this guy is planning to defraud the bank, but is going to remain in their employ. The personal contact information is also atypical, but that's simply the evolution of the scam. The thing that still amazes me is that this scam is perpetuated entirely electronically, and yet the spelling and grammar is, in every case I have seen so far, atrocious.

Dear firend

With due respect and humility, I wish to write you about this business
proposal. I am a staff in one of the Bank here in Cote D'Ivoire. I am
writing following the impressive regards to you about this business
opportunity.

In my department, I discovered an abandoned sum of USD $25.4M (Twenty
Five Million Four Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) in an account
that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his
entire family in September 2004, in a plane crash. Since the notification
of his death, our Bank have been expecting his next of kin to come
forward and claim his fund because our Bank cannot release it unless
somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as
indicated in our banking guidelines and policies but unfortunately I learnt
that all his supposed next of kin or relation died along side with him at
the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claims.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided to make this
business proposal to you so that we can co-operate with one mind and get this
fund transferred to your bank account as the next of Kin/beneficiary of
the Deceased Account. Since I am still remain in service with this
Bank, and also since nobody is coming forth to claim the money and I don't
want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The
request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the
fact that the customer was a foreigner and an Ivorian cannot stand as
next of kin to a foreigner. I will agree that 25% of this money will be
for you as a foreign partner. In respect to the provision of a foreign
bank account where the money will be transfer to, 10% will be map out
for any expenses incurred during the course of the transaction and 65 %
would be for me.

There after I will visit your country for disbursement according to the
percentages indicated. Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of
this fund to you as I arranged, you must apply first to the bank as
relation or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your
bank account number, your private telephone and fax number for easier and
effective communication and location where the money will be remitted.
Meanwhile, for the first step to proceed, I will advice you to forward
your full name, address, telephone and fax number so that I can make
the registration of your information in our banking system as the next of
Kin/beneficiary of the Deceased Account and I will also backdate it to
the date the account was opened with our Bank.

Upon receipt of your response and after the successful registry of your
information in our banking system I will send to you by fax or email
the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice
that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any
atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the
transfer. You should please contact me as soon as you receive this letter.

I look forward for your response.


Best Regards,
Mr. Julius Akah.
E-mail:juleakah@yahoo.fr
Tél: +22505586622

This second one is interesting because its not about defrauding banks and governments anymore. The twist on the story is that there's a large sum of money that is an inheritance that has to be shipped out of the country to some address of my selection. Seems overly complicated, but its not my scam. Why the security company charged with the box's safe keeping would release it to me and not just send it with her is a bit of a mystery, I guess. Again, the personalizing touch of the e-mail address is given.

Message from Miss Rhodia Punga
Please treat with respect,

My name is Miss RHODIA PUNGA. I am a girl of 21 years old and I am a
citizen of COTE D'IVOIRE (IVORY COAST IN WEST AFRICA), an orphan to the

late former (OBUETI) top cocoa dealer Mr. PAUL PUNGA who died in 2004
as a result of food poison suspected to be given to him by the plans of

his colleaques and uncles because of his fame and wealth, my mother
died when I was 6 years old.

I inherited a total sum of $4.6 million US dollars from my late
parents. This money which is concealed in a metallic trunk box is
deposited in a security and finance company in Ivory Coast under a
secret arrangement as a family treasure and African art works. This
means that the security company does not know the real content of this
box that was sent from the United State of America to Ivory Coast under

a diplomatic coverage.

My main purpose of sending you this mail is because of the way I found
you and perhaps trustworthy to give this priority of shipping this box
of money to any address that you think is very secure and safe in place

with your percentage of which we shall chat on soon. I will come over
to your country to continue my education as soon as the funds is
claimed by you.

There is need for urgent action because I am paying demurrage charges
to the Security Company for safe keeping this consignment. I give
thanks immensely for your co-operation as I look forward to hearing
from you soonest.

Please do contact me through this YAHOO EMAIL address: rdpunga30@yahoo.
co.jp And as soon as I hear from you, I will give you the details of

this transcation and how you will contact the Security Company for the
immediate claim of this trunk box on my behalf.


Best Regard,
RHODIA PUNGA

I thought I had one more, but I can't find it. The last one was a parody, actually, and I really wish I could locate it. I'll keep looking for it, but I'm very disappointed that its not saved where I thought it was. It was quite excellent.

No Money from Me for "Rambo"

"Until America, door to door, takes every handgun, this is what you're gonna have."
--Sylvester Stallone

Nice bit of hypocrisy there, Sly. I guess its totally different when you make a big damn paycheck off of guns. After all, its just a movie, right? Wrong.

Rumors are that you have a CCW and a private range on your property...which I whole-heartedly support. What I can't support is your belief that you're somehow more important than the rest of us, and we need to be disarmed while your celebrity allows you to protect yourself. You can do what you wanna do, bro. However, actions have repercussions, and the repercussion of this is that you will get not one thin dime from me to see any of your movies, in the theater, on DVD on on TV, ever. EVER.
Signed-
Haji, a pissed off gun owning, gun shooting, carrying every day consumer.

Juggernaut!

This was, without a doubt, one of the very funniest things to happen in the snow of Colorado.

Another Sound Bite-Like Attempt to Say Where I Stand

There are websites sprining up all over that attempt to give bubble gum answers as to who I should support politically based on sound bite questionaires. I did this one out of curiousity, rather than the need to know where I stand with the candidates, but here's the results anyway:
90% Fred Thompson
88% Mitt Romney
85% Tom Tancredo
84% Mike Huckabee
79% John McCain
68% Ron Paul
60% Rudy Giuliani
35% Bill Richardson
29% Hillary Clinton
25% John Edwards
24% Barack Obama
24% Joe Biden
20% Chris Dodd
13% Mike Gravel
7% Dennis Kucinich

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz
29% agreement with Hillary Clinton? Are you kidding me? I'm the Anti-Hillary. If she says something, I'll believe whatever the opposite is. Additionally, where's Duncan Hunter? He's probably even more in agreement with my views than Fred Thompson is, and we agree on a lot. The 7% that I am alleged to agree with Dennis Kucinich does not happen to be on UFO's.

Open Letter to Presidential Candidates

Its an election year, and candidates are allegedly asking for support from registered voters like myself. You want my vote, you need my vote. I'm gonna tell you how to get it.

Arright, lets get right to it. Here's the thing: I'm sick and tired of corporations being demonized for "being greedy". How big a house does Senator Edwards have? Corporations are greedy? I'll tell ya what: I've never been harmed by the head of a corporation. They don't do anything to me other than provide me services and products, and provide jobs. The government, on the other hand, has been all up in my business and done considerable harm to my freedom. You want my vote? Get the damn government out of my life. Get it out of my way. Quit infringing on my rights "for the greater good of the collectiv".

You guys who don't like guns are just gonna have to grin and bear it. I don't like that career politicians that make a hundred K a year are millionares when they leave office. Deal with it. The Second Amendment is about private ownership of guns, even evil black ones. You're gonna have to trust me that I'm going to use it lawfully, because I'm a law abiding citizen. Its already illegal to use a gun illegally. Prosecute the laws that say that and leave me the hell alone to shoot whatever firearm I wanna shoot. Remember what happened when the Dems got all uppity about gun control? Yeah. They lost control of Congress and a Republican was put in the White House. Don't think we won't do it again. LEAVE MY GUNS ALONE. If you have any questions about what the Framers meant, read the Federalist Papers. As a matter of fact, that should be required reading. Go get a copy. You make enough money to splurge on a paperback copy.

You guys don't get the illegal immigration issue, do you? Illegals-not undocumented, ill-freakin'-legal, as in against the damn law-do not contribute tax money to the system that offsets what they take out. Go to the outback areas of California, Arizona and Texas. See the damage these people do to VOTER'S private property. Broken fences, trash clean up, wildfires, cutting of locks, and the like cost AMERICAN CITIZENS WHO VOTE hard earned money. Not tax money, money out of pocket. Illegal Aliens are a drain on America. GET THE IMMIGRATION PROBLEM UNDER CONTROL!! Build the fence. If you have a mental block on this topic, get with Duncan Hunter. He gets it. He gets it to the point that he's the guy I support at this time. You want my vote? Fix illegal immigration. I know its not easy, but if it was easy everybody would run for President. I imagine you want to be President because you think you can fix things. That's something that needs fixin' big time. Get it done.

Here's the simple one: cut taxes and CUT SPENDING!!! We're gonna go bankrupt the way things are now. Forget universal health care; that's an impossible pipe dream. You guys in Washington still haven't fixed Social Security. I already expect a huge bolus of a tax increase somewhere down the road if you don't fix it. I'm not gonna see any benefits from it, and I'm throwing money down a hole now that I could be investing in my retirement. You guys HAVE to stop spending money like its Monopoly money. There's rediculous amounts of pork in the budget. You HAVE to get rid of it and get spending under control, or we're looking at another depression. The dollar is falling like a rock because Congress has spent like there's no tomorrow. That cannot continue. Want my vote? Have a plan to fix that.

I don't want to see my friends and aquaintances killed in Iraq. However, the job isn't done, and we have to stay there as long as it takes to get that job done. Pulling out now will destabilize the region, and if we're gonna be killing terrorists, I'd rather have 'em all there than here. The surge worked, despite what those encephalitic morons Pelosi and Reid have said. Let the Democratic party be invested in defeat. That doesn't mean that America has to be. Finish the job there, get Iraq back on its feet, and whack as many terrorists as it takes to get the job done. We started this thing. We have to finish it. You think the costs of being there are high? What do you think the long term costs of America looking like quitters again are? Just because some Americans have the attention span of a gnat doesn't mean all people do. Don't give us another black eye by starting something we don't finish. That would be suicidal for the country.

See? Pretty simple to get my vote. You know what you have to do now. Politically difficult? Yeah, probably. But I don't care even a little bit about how hard it might be. I care that these things get fixed and addressed properly. Other elected politicians have dropped the ball and failed to nut up and go to work. I expect that you believe you're better than they are, or you wouldn't be taking this task on. Go to work for the country.

Just in case you think I don't understand how the system works, TRUST ME when I say that I'm holding my representative- and Congress-members feet to the fire as well. You guys work together and get it done, and you'll have a good shot at being thought of in the same vein as Ronald Wilson Reagan, one of the greatest Presidents in American history. That's no accident. Learn the lessons of the Reagan Revolution.

Who Cares About Calories: It Just Makes Sense.

Here's a couple examples of epic feasting materials. Taken in moderation, its probably good for ya in some way. Taken in excess, these might kill a lesser man.
First up, the BSLT:

This started as a basic BLT. However, a sense of the grandiose caused it to become much, much more. When Makin' Bacon, one might as well cook the whole package. It just makes sense. So we had significant amounts of bacon, which means this glorious concoction has eight slices of bacon on it. If you have bacon, you might as well also cook up the sausage patties in the freezer, too. It just makes sense. A look around the kitchen yielded very large bread, in this case, 6" X 4" sourdough. While building this sammich, it was found that four sausage patties fit on the bread, and since it fit, it needed to be there. It just makes sense. So, in order to build The Overlord of Breakfist Sammiches, start with the base layer sourdough, and arrange the sausage patties thereupon. Next comes eight slices of bacon, followed by tomato and lettuce. They should be in this order to preserve the flow of color; obviously. It just makes sense. Between the lettuce and the top layer of bread one needs mayonnaise. I might consider Miracle Whip and/or Ranch Dressing as acceptable variants, but mayo really is the best option.

I was lovin' this brekfist so much I almost forgot to take a pic of it, but I at the halfway point, I came to my senses and grabbed my camera. While shooting one photo, I noticed an opportunity to create what photographers call "composition". You get a bonus cookie if you can name the movie on the big screen. It would have been better if the ashtray wasn't there, but the power 
of the image still comes through.


Next up is something I saw on the Food Network. I think the show is called "Diners Drive-Ins and Dives". The premise is that the host goes to various non-chain restaurants and checks out their signature offerings within a certain theme. That's where the Stuffed Burger comes from. I wish I could remember who's it is to give them proper credit; they deserve it. They make theirs by using the lid of an institutional sized mayo container. They line it with plastic wrap, and use it as a form. I free handed mine, which is probably how it ended up being so huge. The key is to use good quality beef; don't use the ultra fatty low end stuff or your results won't be as good.

I made a patty and formed a small depression in the middle. next I added a bit of minced garlic (of course!) and a mound of cheddar cheese. Try to keep the impression shallow so that the stuffing doesn't break 
out through the patty. Keep it in the middle, for reasons that will become obvious rather quickly.

Next another patty is formed and then added as a "cap" to the lower patty. Form the edges so that they're sealed as best you can, and throw that bad boy on a griddle or grill. Because the Real Burger King is gonna be pretty thick, go slow with the heat. You don't wanna char the outside and have the middle un-melted. Cook that bad boy to your preferred level of done-ness, and garnish to taste. This is the most tasty burger I've had, and I've had a 
lot of 'em. I'm not making burgers any other way from now on. It just makes sense.